The Oral History of Jeremy Lin’s Hair

What exactly is the deal with oral histories these days?

Every few weeks, one of these big huge website like Grantland (R.I.P), ESPN, SBNation, Complex, or Deadspin comes out with an “Oral History” of something. “An Oral History of Father of the Year Chris Benoit” or “An Oral History of the Washington Racial Slurs” may not bereal titles to these history-based pieces, but you get the feeling that they’re next on deck.

Heck, even The League, an actual television show about a Fantasy Football league that is actually quite funny (huge upset there) but generally speaking irrelevant, got an oral history on the front page of ESPN.com.

But what exactly is an oral history? I did some digging and after a few months, discover a website called Wikipedia that defines it as “the collection and study of historical information about individuals, families, important events, or everyday life using audiotapes, videotapes, or transcriptions of planned interviews”.

So pretty much, all you have to do is take out your iPhone, film yourself eating, and post it on Social Media and BOOM, you have created an oral history of breakfast.

Naturally, I wanted to be hip and cool like the young folk, so I made the executive decision to create my own oral history. But before I could determine exactly what history I wanted to oralize (is that a word?), I had to determine exactly how I would go about such an act.

Sadly, my phone crashed after looking at too many…erm…websites, so the usage of either video or audio was out of the question. Luckily, I happen to know something of a savant when it comes to basketball stuff- Me.

So with a top-flight expert in tow for the interview process, I had to find a subject to poke apart.

What would it be? Allen Iverson’s swag and style? LeBron James’ humble beginnings in Akron, Ohio? The disaster known as the Ob-bummer presidency? To be honest, I was stumped.

And then, an Asian angel came across my computer screen and changed it all.

That’s right folks, the 2012 NBA MVP from February 4-Februay 23 and the only man to be a greater one-hit-wonder than Chumbawamba, Jeremy Lin gave me inspiration. One could almost say that I got knocked down, but got back up again- thanks to Lin of course.

Lin has a had a bumpy run since the Linsanity explosion, bouncing from the Knicks to the Rockets, then to the Lakers, and finally settling at his current location of Charlotte with the Hornets. It’s not that Lin has been bad since he got some ESPN editor fired for calling him a racial slur in a headline (probably his greatest accomplishment outside of the Linsanity run though, if we’re being honest), he just hasn’t been the All-Star caliber player he was in 2012, which is fine!

What is not fine though, is Jeremy’s fashion choices.

Sure, the guy isn’t the most naturally attractive fella to play in the NBA (see below), but if he spruced himself up, I’d bet that Lin would be a good-looking fella!

Lin 5
Pop a molly, he’s sweatin.

Instead, Jeremy seems hell-bent on being the single most unattractive man he can be. It’s like how Michael Jordan had the fierce desire to be the best ever, but completely opposite. This guy just wants to be the ugliest-average-Asian-basketball-player-to-have-a-great-run-in-February-of-2012. It’s a niche category, but well contested nonetheless.

Since his decision, Lin has become the NBA’s go-to superstar for regretful hair decisions. He’s gone mohawk, he’s gone Dumb and Dumber, and he’s even gone full man bun. You never go full man bun.

So I sat down with myself, a well known NBA and fashion expert, to discuss the evolution of Jeremy Lin’s hair, where the hair stands today, and where the hair will be going tomorrow.

Sean Linhares (SL)- Thanks a lot for sitting down with me, me. I don’t want to waste your time here, so I’ll get right to it. What were your initial thoughts on Jeremy Lin, both as a player and in terms of his hair styles?

Fashion/Basketball Expert (FBE)- Thanks for moving the mirror in here so I could talk with you!

As a Knicks fan, I loved Lin’s play. For those three weeks of Linsanity, he was the most-must watch athlete not just in basketball, but all of sports. Sure, he turned the ball over a lot and it was pretty clear his play wasn’t sustainable, but it was fun nonetheless. That buzzer beater three in Toranto…all time sports memory for me.

When we’re talking about his fashion sense at the time, it was actually kind of good!

Lin 6
Pocket square game “on fleek”.

The hair wasn’t anything special. I mean real average stuff here. In fact, it was still pretty gosh dang bad. Looks like some of that fuzzy moss stuff hippie-dippy liberals are always telling me about. I think it’s called Green Moss? Maybe just Moss? Anyway, it wasn’t notably horrendous, which earns Lin some respect in todays high risk-extremely low reward NBA fashion game.

It wasn’t good, but hey, at least it didn’t make me nauseous.

SL- Very true. Back in those days, Lin’s hair wasn’t even a conversation, nonetheless worthy of an oral history!

Luckily for us, Lin maintained the hairstyle through his run with the Rockets and Lakers, and again, literally nobody noticed the guys hair. Maybe that’s why young Jeremy went off the rails after signing with the Charlotte Hornets this past offseason.

Whatever it was, Lin came into this season with a haircut so bad, it’s literally unspeakable so I have to just show it to you.

Lin 2
Is that a triad member angrily looking to the heavens after having a shipment of drugs stolen by a rival gang, nervous to confront his boss after a string of screw ups? You tell me.

Mr. Fashion and Hair Expert, what was the first thing that came to your mind after seeing your former hero like that, and what was your fandom status after?

FBE- I’d hardly say that Lin was my hero! Haha, okay okay I apologize for that. Cheap shot.

SL- Most certainly was! Haha!

FBE- I hope we can just move on and forget about this!

Any-who, let’s get back on task here! I’d say that the first thing that popped into my head after seeing Lin’s new-do was probably a question: Why? Why would Jeremy do this to himself?

Was it from playing alongside Kobe Bryant and James Harden, making the impressionable Jeremy lose all sense of self-respect? Perhaps he may have realized that Chinese food is not actually Chinese food? Has he simply forgotten that he went to HARVARD?

Regardless of his surely nefarious reasons, Lin dug himself a magnificent grave in which to lye in. I mean look at that thing on his head. He looks like a mixture of a Need For Speed character and your bosses spoiled punk son.

If this is what a supposed Harvard graduate (RELEASE THE GRADUATION CERTIFICATE, YOU COWARD) looks like, it’s no wonder America is going down the crapper. I mean this guy is supposed to be the best of our best, but what would other countries do if we trotted out that as our educational mascot?

I’ll tell you how they’d react, and it won’t be pretty!

SL- Okay okay, let’s settle it down here! This isn’t an oral history of how the United States and it’s citizens are falling behind in almost every measurable category of success, while simultaneously barring witness to the death of the American dream! Let’s keep it fun and light headed into our next stage.

Not surprisingly, the two foot mohawk on his head is difficult for Lin to maintain and it’s because of that the we get our final two Jeremy Lin hairstyles-

Lin 4
Every Asian boy between the ages of 4-16!?!?! Is that you!?

Wow. Just wow.

And then there’s last nights masterpiece-

Just incredible.

Once again, Mr. Expert, what are your initial thoughts on Jeremy’s two altered styles?

FBE- Now just what in the gosh dang heck is Lin thinking?

The first image appears to be from before the mohawk look, looking like what I call a “warning sign”. Essentially, it’s just before a life destroying mistake (i.e- spiked up mohawk), when everyone thinks you’re fine. In reality though, it’s pretty clear that there are some deep-rooted issues going on here. If you see a friend display warning signs, get the heck out of their, because you don’t want to be seen at Hannafords getting some watermelons alongside a 27-year old with a slicked mohawk.

Not a good look, folks.

I mean good God, it looks like Jeremy woke up late for work and didn’t get the chance to comb his hair or do anything, like he just strolled into work with the faint smell of Tennessee Whiskey on his breath and really messy hair. Lin looks like he has the equivalent to a Gremlin pre-water treatment on his head.

And if that first photo is pre-water, the second one is post-bath.

Now I get that the man-bun is all the rage these days amongst youths. Despite literally nobody ever pulling it off (man-bun is shooting an incredible 0-500,000), these dang millennials continue to try to do the impossible and look good while having a little bun on the back of their heads. It’s an embarrassment to western society and the troops, if we’re being completely candid here.

What Lin is doing there though is just on another level.

A) No hair on the sides? At all? What are you, a Marine? Yet another example of millennials disrespecting the military. Really makes you think about the future of this country.

B) Weak bun, bro. If you’re gonna go for the man-bun, that bun has to be full and bouncy and thick. Lin’s looks more like a rat-tail that went too high up.

C) Why is it so greasy and shiny? Use some conditioner man, you’re a professional athlete.

SL- Wow, this has truly been an incredible discussion, thank you for joining me! Before I let you leave, I have one final question! You ready?!?

FBE- You betcha!

SL- Now that’s what I like to hear!

If you had to give a general statement on where you see Jeremy Lin’s hair going next, that’s be swell! Thank you again for joining me!

FBE- First off, you’re more than welcome. The pleasure has been all mine.

I suppose my only prediction would be as follows: It can’t get much worse, but Lin may just test that.

The above has been a work of satire. However, if you still feel angry about something and want to tell me, pay my Twitter account a visit- @LINhares_Sanity

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